There are several goals I have for myself for this new year.  I don't think I have time to go in to each one right now, but I'll start out and see how far I get!

1)  This one is a redo from last year because I only made it to about March.  I'd like to cook at least one new recipe each week.  I love cooking and there are just so many things that I'd like to explore in that area.  I think this will be a fun way to challenge myself and find new favorites!

2) Also a redo- I have lots of jewelry.  Hardly any of it is expensive, but it is cute and fun, and I hardly ever wear it.  So I'd like to wear a piece of jewelry at least 3 times a week.  If I'm not going to wear it, there really isn't any point in having it.

3) I need to get back into better shape.  I have a gym right here at the apartment complex that I have used a few times, but I need to force myself to get back in to that habit.  The goal: 3 times per week.  Not necessarily ONLY at the workout room, but some form of good physical exercise.  I'll probably end up running or playing at the park a lot with my son because even though he thinks it is fun to go to the workout room and pedal the bike, I can't imagine he'll want to be a regular!

4) I would like to do some form of volunteer work.  I have been feeling called to go to work at a nursing home.  I don't know what all kinds of things a volunteer would do at a nursing home, but I think I'd like to get involved.  So I placed a call last week to one near my home and left a message inquiring about their programs.  I hope that they have some way they can use me!  That is something that has been on my heart for a really long time, so I'm hoping that I can do that soon.

Ok-that is it for now!  Gotta run!  Happy New Year!!!

Wow!  I am ashamed of myself. I haven't posted in in an entire month!  I better get back on track!!!

Christmas was spent with family and friends.  I enjoyed my time with everyone. 

I attended my first ever Christmas Eve Candlelight service at church-it was beautiful and I loved it!  I'll hope to be able to go every year.

Next up=my list of New Year's Resolutions!!!  What are yours?????

Thanksgiving was spent down at my sister's house this year.  My parents came up from Yuma, and we all brought different things to put the meal together.  It turned out to be a lot of fun! 

We made it home today in time for church, although NOT in time for Bible Study class.  Oh well, I haven' t missed very often at all lately, so it is ok.  Spending time with family is very important too.  I realize that in the past, my mom and dad were kind of bad about spending a lot of time with us.  My dad was home more because in his line of work, there were seasons when he literally couldn't work, because the snow was covering up his work (construction), but my mom has always been guilty of putting her work first.  I recognize that I tend to be the same way, so have made the conscious choice NOT to be that way.  I don't ever want to be remembered as the person who spent their whole life at their desk.  I want my family to know that they absolutely came first and that they are/were my number one priority.

After church we came home.  My son watched a football game on TV. I watched and dozed off and on.  It was a good game, glad that the Cowboys won in the end...that is who we were rooting for.

I hope everyone was able to enjoy Thanksgiving and spend some good time with loved ones and friends.

Also-I have been having trouble with the feature that allows me to show what book I am reading.  it keeps telling me I am missing a parameter and must include an Associate Tag.  What does that mean?

For any of you cat people......what is your favorite kind of litter?  I definitely use the clumping kind, but there are just certain ones that work better than others.  I think I have tried them all, but I'm not sure and I would be open to suggestions!

Found a cool recipe online yesterday for how to make homemade lip balm.  That sounds like something fun to try...

I am looking forward to the next week.  I work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.  I also have a doctor's appt on Wednesday so I'll miss about an hour in the morning.  That is to go to the shrink.  Then after work on Wednesday my son and I will leave town and go to my sister's house.  We will be there until Saturday after Thanksgiving.  I am looking forward to spending some time down there with my family.

What are your favorite Thanksgiving traditions and foods?

I still haven't signed up for the internet at home, so I haven't had a chance to get on here very much lately.  The apartments have free internet, but only in the common areas... the lobby, the pool, and the gym.  I think that is absolutely fine, but the problem is that when my son is inside asleep I don't want to leave him there by himself, and then when he is awake, I don't want to spend all the time on the computer.  So...I just haven't been worrying too much about it.

It is almost Halloween.  My son is being Ash, from Pokemon.  We also have to dress up for work, so I am being the dinosaur from Toy Story.  There is a theme this year, and so the whole cast of Toy Story should be wandering around our office.  That, and a bunch of crayons.  Nice!

I went to church Wednesday night.  It was nice. There has been a church service on Wednesday night forever, and I used to go when my son was 2 or 3, but when I moved, I was way too far away to be able to attend.  Now that I have moved into the apartment, I am much closer to church so I can go again!  The sermon was fantastic..it was about giving your fear and anxiety to God.  I really needed that one!  It was perfect timing. 

Had to pick my son up from school early today.  He has really bad diarrhea (sorry-TMI) and wasn't feeling good.  Even with the upset stomach, I kind of think he just needed some mommy time.  We spent the afternoon hanging out on the couch and chilling out.  It was nice!  I know he has really good attendance at school generally, so it didn't bother me that this happened.

Still have some heavy things on my heart that I am praying about, and that is a bit overwhelming to me at times, but overall, life is getting happier for me.  I like my little apartment, and I can tell that my son is happier overall as well, and he seems more relaxed.  I like that! 

My ex has been leaving me alone fairly well...which is good.  I haven't had to have any awkward conversations with him, and the counselor's suggestion of how to cut off the incessant text messaging and phone calling has seemed to be very effective so far, which is absolutely fantastic.  I am very pleased about that. 

One thing I have been praying over, is the relationship with T.  He is the one I was engaged to and was living with.  He still wants us to work things out..and when I moved out, I thought that I wanted that too.  Now, time and space is helping me to open my eyes and be able to think, and I'm not sure that it will work out.  I feel bad about it, because he is not on the same page as me with religion, among other things.  I was initially thinking that was ok, and that I could go to church by myself and he could do what he wanted,etc.  The truth is, that really bothers me.  I don't like knowing that my husband would never want to go to church with me, and that if there were ever any children from the marriage, that they would grow up knowing that daddy didn't care about it and didn't think it was important.  It isn't up to me to change him, but that isn't to say that I should marry him and sacrifice something that is really important to me and will always be a constant let-down for me in the relationship.  It makes me feel very guilty, because I know what a nice person he can be, and I know that he really loves me, but I also know that I've been married before, and those kinds of things really do make a huge difference in a marriage or a relationship, over time.  I did sacrifice so many of those things in my marriage, and honestly....I just don't really want to do that again.  I want to be in a relationship with someone who holds the same value to things that I do, and that I can be on the same page with... even though I know that disagreements will always occur...wouldn't it be nice to be able to have the same foundation so that at least everyone is coming from the same place at their heart?  I just don't feel that way.  Now....how to sort it out, and how to help him to realize that too?  He is in such an obsessed state of wanting things to work out right now that I don't know how to approach it.  It is definitely a puzzler.  I know that things are nagging on his mind too, because I can tell by the way he is acting.  BUT, that being said, there are certain people who will ignore the obvious so that they don't have to be alone...and he is one of those people.  So, it will be up to me... and now.... how to do it?  Hmmm.  It is a pickle, particularly when dealing with someone who really is nice, and whom you don't want to hurt. 

I started a new book series.  The first one is  Unwed and Dead, or Dead and Unwed or something like that.  It is super funny so far.  I am enjoying it and it is so nice to be able to relax and read a book before bed. 

We are getting settled into our new apartment.  It is a fine place to live.  I haven't had any problems, and everyone is nice enough.  I have been enjoying the quiet evenings.  It is weird not to have to call and check in with anyone or explain where I'll be and when, and when I'll be home, etc.  Different, and an adjustment.

So...in talking and thinking, and searching my head to find out where things are going and why they didn't go like I planned when I got engaged...I have come to realize that a huge factor for me has been my ex husband.  It stinks, because I've been divorced for 4 or 5 years now, and I have just now realized that he has still such an effect on me, and on my decisions.  He has never moved on.  He dated a few girls right after our divorce was final, but none of those situations worked out, for whatever reason, and then he stopped dating.  He has continued to constantly bother me about getting back together with him, and he has made no secret that he wants that to happen.  He goes up and down with his emotions, and I have allowed him to take me on that roller coaster with him...it seems like it has been on a monthly basis, or perhaps every other month at the most.  He will leave me alone, or at least be nice without being a dramatic beast, for about that long, but then he has some sort of breakdown, or a bad day, and he starts up again.  He will call me, or text me, or try anything to draw me into a conversation of some sort.  It has gotten so bad that I have had to call his mother and basically rat him out so that she will call him and talk to him and try to get him under control.  When he goes through these spells, if I don't respond in a way that he likes, or coddle him and spend an hour talking him through it,  he gets angry at me, and then he starts threatening me in a very subtle way.  He mentions regularly that he will move out of state, and without actually saying so, he insinuates that he will try to take my son away.  If it weren't for my son, I would have been able to ignore him and I think that he would have given up.  BUT, I do have my son, and I've done a really bad job of handling my ex husband because I've been so terrified of what he might try to do in regards to the custody situation, and/or the way that his moods will effect my son.  Even if I don't have to spend time with him, my son does, and I have hesitated for all this time to say or do something that will really make him mad, or send him into some sort of a downward spiral, because I know my son will have to bear the brunt of it, and he is just a little boy.

I have also come to realize that my allowing this to continue with him has really had a negative impact on my relationship with my fiance.  I have stalled out with our engagement because I've been afraid of the reaction that I would get from my ex husband if I did actually go ahead and say those vows.  I have been terrified, but I hadn't even admitted it to myself.  So even though I've been divorced from him for so long, I've been allowing him to have even more control over me than he ever did when we were married.  Of course, T and I have other issues too, I'm not blaming our problems solely on the ex, but the bottom line is that the ex husband has been the biggest factor in my fear, and I was too blind or too stubborn to admit it. 

Now that I have recognized that this has been such a problem...I am having a very hard time dealing with my ex husband.  I'm so angry at him all the sudden, and he doesn't know why.  I can barely stand to look at him without actually sneering and growling at him.  I want him to go away.  I really do, I want him to disappear from our lives and leave us alone.  My son had a football game today, and it was all I could do not to just pop him. It makes me mad that I've let him take me to the cleaners in so many ways, and I'm mad at myself for not realizing this sooner and putting a stop to it.  I have really been praying over it, because I have to be able to calm down and find some sort of a middle ground.  I have to associate with him and NOT be a jerk, because we do still share a child, and we need to communicate.  I have to find a way to come to peace with myself about this so that I can deal with him more effectively.  It is a real struggle right now.  I go to the counselor next week and I really want to ask her opinion on this and see what she recommends.  In the meantime I am trying to change my behavior with him, and just be cordial and leave it at that.  I was also thinking earlier that I need to go to the library and try to see if there are any books that can help with this kind of thing.  I need to cut him completely out of my life in as many ways as possible, but still find a way to be able to communicate with him about my son.  It is a really tough situation, because with him, any sign of kindness or anything like that is taken in the wrong way, and firmly convinces him that we will be getting back together.  He does not understand how to separate a friendship from a romance or a relationship, and will not "get it".  So then where does that leave me?  How do I need to change my own behavior to deal with that?  It's a pickle.

Alright.  In a previous post I mentioned that I have been having a really hard time deciding if I should get married to my fiance or not.  I have been engaged to him for 2 and a half years.  I've made some choices involving that engagement that I am not proud of, and I don't think that God would be proud of me for either.  I haven't mentioned them here simply for that reason.  Which is silly, because this is my journal, so I don't know what I'm so worried about.

Anyway, in preparation for our wedding, I rented out my personal house that I own, and moved in to my fiance's house.  I didn't like the idea of living with someone before I married them, but I did it anyway because I thought I would be getting married very soon, and that everything would be fine.  However, as soon as I moved in....I got cold feet. 

I have spent the last two years agonizing and going back and forth over when to do it, if I should do it, etc., and I just couldn't do it.  I didn't break it off with him, but I didn't proceed either.  We just kept living together.

This past week, I just couldn't do that anymore.  I want to be a person who God is really proud of, and someone who sets a really shining example for my son.  I felt like I needed to take a step back from the situation in order to really be able to think and focus and see what I should do.  I started seeing a counselor on my own to get her advice.  She thought it would be a good idea to get into a place of our own (mine and my son) so that we could have a chance to analyze everything and see what exactly was holding us back.  So after even more agonizing and praying=we moved out.  Now I am in an apartment with my son.  It is interesting going back to apartment living, I'll say that.  I like this place so far.  It is quiet and I've met some neighbors who are really nice.

Anyway, as soon as I said I was moving out, I was immediately able to start communicating with my fiance much more effectively.  We've been able to have some really good conversations about things that have been bothering each of us, and we are still making plans to be married in the future.  I actually realized how much I do love him, and I've pinpointed what it is that has been holding me back. 

I will continue with those things as soon as possible, because I feel like I need to get them off of my chest, and get some feedback (hopefully) from anyone who reads this.  I felt like I needed to type this all out for myself.... I know that this is all between myself and God, and that I shouldn't worry about what anyone else things-but I guess it is important for me because I want to be a really strong Christian, and I want to surround myself with good things now.  I don't want to live with someone and not be married to him...I don't want to set a bad example for my son.  When we moved, I sat him down and explained that mommy had made a bad choice, because we are not really supposed to live together without getting married. I explained that  Todd and I are not breaking up, just that we want to be good examples for him, and make sure that we proceed the way God wants us to, and not live together anymore right now, and that we have grown up things to discuss and things to think about and do before we get married....and that we realized that we need to be apart for those things to happen as well.  He took this very well, and as usual, I am VERY proud of my little man. 

So...there is my confession.   I feel like I am making good decisions and trying to get my life back on track, in a whole myriad of ways.  Not just the living with someone, or not living with someone ( I know that it works well for some people, and that is fine, but I just couldn't do it anymore), but with a lot of other things I've been having problems with as well.   I am making a new start and going forward and trying to have a really positive out look on things again, like I used to.  I have let the last few years really drag me down, and I am ready for a turnaround.

Whew. 

I don't remember what I was watching last, but today when I clicked the TV on, it came up with this show called Bully Beatdown.  I can't decide if I think the show is put on, or if it is really happening.  It is supposed to be where the bully gets put up against a professional fighter, and then basically gets his butt kicked while the person who he has been bullying watches and cheers.  This, apparently, is supposed to cure the bully and make him nice.  I really think it might just all be staged to begin with, but really, even if it isn't...what is the point?  When they get home, there won't be a professional boxer waiting to beat up the bully, so how is helping?  I don't get it.

I tried drinking Sleepy Time Tea last night.  Either it really does work, or I just happened to be sleepy on my own.  I actually slept straight through from about 9:30 to 3:30, which really never happens.  I will try it again today and see if it works again.  Maybe it is all mental, but I guess if it works then I will still be happy!

I guess I don't know much today.

I have cookies in the oven-they smell good!  A new recipe I found in a magazine.  Butterscotch Cookies...the recipe calls for nuts but I decided to leave them out today.  I'm not sure why, because I like nuts.  I kind of just wanted to eat them without crunching them. 

Yesterday the kids lost their football game again, but they did score their first ever touchdown. They were all really proud of themselves, and so that was good. 

This morning we had to rush to the football team pictures, and then after that run to church where I served in the nursery.  There were only 2 babies, so I imagine that I didn't really need to go, but I do not like to cancel at the last minute, so we made it work, even though we were rushed. 

Off I go...don't want to burn up the baking.

Church this morning...  that was good.  The Bible Study lesson was out of Matthew.  It was good.  It was about the kind of person we are not supposed to be.  I think sometimes those lessons are hard to hear, because it points out a lot of areas where a person needs to improve, but they are also necessary for us, and hopefully help to keep us pointed in the right direction.  After Bible Study, the main sermon was held, which was also good.  The pastor was very happy to be back-he has been on vacation for a couple of weeks.

Next Sunday will be baptism, which I am bummed to miss out on, but I am going to be serving in the nursery so I won't be able to watch.  The niece of a good friend of mine is getting dunked, so I would have liked to watch.  That is ok though...the babies need someone to watch them too!!

I'm not too sure why, but I have been very sad for the last couple of days.  Just a really down, depressed type of sad...not sad and crying or anything like that.  I've tried to analyze that and figure out what my problem is.  The best that I can come up with is that I need to figure out this engagement issue....I did the premarital counseling classes for several months earlier in the year-I felt better about getting married for awhile, but then now I can't quite wrap my head around it.  On top of that, I have the stress being added from my job...  and I kind of just don't know where to turn or which problem to try and solve first at this point.  I feel like I have been kinda just floating along in limbo for awhile-my life really isn't moving forward, and my situations are just staying the same.  BUT, if I am the one who is not happy with them, then it is up to me to change that, and do something to make stuff better on all levels.  SO...time to make some changes.  Now I am just praying about where to begin, etc. 

I started a new book today called Jemima J.  It is pretty funny so far.  It seems to be a coming of age type of thing.  I don't know yet, but it seems funny.