October 4, 2011
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Confession Time!
Alright. In a previous post I mentioned that I have been having a really hard time deciding if I should get married to my fiance or not. I have been engaged to him for 2 and a half years. I've made some choices involving that engagement that I am not proud of, and I don't think that God would be proud of me for either. I haven't mentioned them here simply for that reason. Which is silly, because this is my journal, so I don't know what I'm so worried about.
Anyway, in preparation for our wedding, I rented out my personal house that I own, and moved in to my fiance's house. I didn't like the idea of living with someone before I married them, but I did it anyway because I thought I would be getting married very soon, and that everything would be fine. However, as soon as I moved in....I got cold feet.
I have spent the last two years agonizing and going back and forth over when to do it, if I should do it, etc., and I just couldn't do it. I didn't break it off with him, but I didn't proceed either. We just kept living together.
This past week, I just couldn't do that anymore. I want to be a person who God is really proud of, and someone who sets a really shining example for my son. I felt like I needed to take a step back from the situation in order to really be able to think and focus and see what I should do. I started seeing a counselor on my own to get her advice. She thought it would be a good idea to get into a place of our own (mine and my son) so that we could have a chance to analyze everything and see what exactly was holding us back. So after even more agonizing and praying=we moved out. Now I am in an apartment with my son. It is interesting going back to apartment living, I'll say that. I like this place so far. It is quiet and I've met some neighbors who are really nice.
Anyway, as soon as I said I was moving out, I was immediately able to start communicating with my fiance much more effectively. We've been able to have some really good conversations about things that have been bothering each of us, and we are still making plans to be married in the future. I actually realized how much I do love him, and I've pinpointed what it is that has been holding me back.
I will continue with those things as soon as possible, because I feel like I need to get them off of my chest, and get some feedback (hopefully) from anyone who reads this. I felt like I needed to type this all out for myself.... I know that this is all between myself and God, and that I shouldn't worry about what anyone else things-but I guess it is important for me because I want to be a really strong Christian, and I want to surround myself with good things now. I don't want to live with someone and not be married to him...I don't want to set a bad example for my son. When we moved, I sat him down and explained that mommy had made a bad choice, because we are not really supposed to live together without getting married. I explained that Todd and I are not breaking up, just that we want to be good examples for him, and make sure that we proceed the way God wants us to, and not live together anymore right now, and that we have grown up things to discuss and things to think about and do before we get married....and that we realized that we need to be apart for those things to happen as well. He took this very well, and as usual, I am VERY proud of my little man.
So...there is my confession. I feel like I am making good decisions and trying to get my life back on track, in a whole myriad of ways. Not just the living with someone, or not living with someone ( I know that it works well for some people, and that is fine, but I just couldn't do it anymore), but with a lot of other things I've been having problems with as well. I am making a new start and going forward and trying to have a really positive out look on things again, like I used to. I have let the last few years really drag me down, and I am ready for a turnaround.
Whew.
Comments (6)
I can't help, but comment on this. You feel the same as I do. (and did, when I was your age.) And I'd like to share with you some thoughts I have, about folks who are doing it at my own age. I know, lots of senior citizens (widows and widowers) live together, without marriage, because of financial reasons. If they get married, they lose their previous spouse's retirement benefits. (probably shared the ups and downs of life, for many YEARS, together) Many of them could not survive financially, if they gave that up, to get married. Government rules cause this. I see that!! BUT!! You mentioned the example you were living because of your son. I would feel exactly as you do....except my thought would be the example I'd be living for my grandchildren, therefore, I couldn't do it. I too, believe that God wants us NOT to live together, without marriage.
Personally, I think you made a wise choice. I admire you for that. If you still love him, I really hope the two of you can continue, and get back into this the 'right' way, so you won't have to feel guilty...which I'm sure was hindering your relationship. Good luck Kiddo.
Well, I for one, think you made a great choice. I would never presume to pass judgement on you for moving in with your fiance. I agree that is not for us to judge but between you and Him. I think that moving out will be a good example to your son and because you did to become a better Christian that He will honor that. I pray that He will help you both realize what you both want in this life and that you can achieve it.
You did the right thing. Living together really doesn't work and it sets a bad example for your boy. I have a niece who is doing it and has 4 kids, 2 who are girls. I hope she gets married as how can she tell her oldest girl, Ariyanna, 13, to live right when she isn't? I had an ex-coworker who this summer moved in with her guy and she is always talking about church and then doing something like that. She has no kids at home but it is still a bad example. I hope you two can work things out and that you keep yourself celibate during this time. It's worth it and you feel better about yourself and the Christian you want to be. I will be praying for you.
When Elita was younger I told her of the stupid choice I made in my first marriage of living together before marriage. Didn't do that the 2nd time around and it made a big difference. You just don't have that guilt or "2 anniversaries" to keep track of! 
@GrannyHummingbird - Thank you so much for your comment...it is nice to hear that someone thinks I did the right things!
@oldfatgramma - Thank you for your comments! I appreciate it
@martna1 - yes, Martna, the guilt was really bothering me. I knew I wasn't doing the right thing... now I can move forward without that guilt!
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